KEVINS AND CHRISSY’S MOST EPIC TRIP REPORT OF ALL TIME.
Kevin and Chrissy, first and foremost, would like to note that if you have delicate sensibilities, are offended by swear words, or are, generally speaking, a giant bitch, you should probably stop reading this most epic trip report of all time (which is too bad for you because this trip report is the SHIT). For those of you who are NOT bitches, we should start by saying we just got back from a stellar 5 week road trip around the great western US! ! Oh the PLACES WE WENT!! We started out in lovely Fort Collins, CO (our home for the next year or possibly more) by dropping our stuff off in a storage locker and booking it for climbing mecca Lander, Wyoming. Lander is proximal to two large climbing areas, Wild Iris and Sinks Canyon. Kevin and I had high hopes for these two crags, and though they were two of the most scenic and chill climbing places of all time, we had difficulty finding an y climbing that wasn’t totally polished/awkward. We spent a little over a week in Lander and fell in LOVE with the town. If you ever get a chance to go, DO IT! They LOVE climbers!! There is free camping in their city park , which is the most plush camping you’ll EVER find, especially for free. T he climbing shop in town (Wild Iris Climbing Shop) employs super fun and ch ill climbers who are always super eager to take you out and show you the climbing in their area or just in general a GOOD TIME. If you ever are looking for a TIT NASTY place to spend the fourth, head to Lander. Everyone in town must spend $3000 on fireworks, and at dusk they spend the next 4 hrs lighting up the skies in every angle, and as a special treat, the town repeals the open container law for the day (Kevin and I took advantage by walking around drinking Colt 40s and in general being hard asses all day). OH, MAJOR PS, if you are going to climb in sinks or wild iris BRING A STICK CLI P, the first bolts are generally high, and there is NO shortage of cruxy starts. After our time in Lander we headed up to Ten Sleep, armed with a guide book we bought in the guide shop in Lander, which as a side note, is the BEST guide book we have EVER read. If you ever get a chance, give it a re ad. TEN SLEEP IS THE BEST FUCKING PLACE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND YOU ARE A BIG DUMB ASS PIECE OF SHIT IF YOU DON’T AGREE. Ten sleep is the most dope, sick nasty, money in the bank, slap a bitch awesome climbing. The climbing crag is new and “up and coming”, so everyone there is psyched on all the new possibilities for climbing in the area. The routes are long and CLASS IC, and the rock is frictiony and beautiful limestone. If you are looking for a summer climbing spot, this is the place to be. The town of ten sleep, is, well, a bit ten “sleepy” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! LAUGH!!) and the entire town has a population of about 400, but there are two pizza places in t own to catch a slice after a hard day of climbing, and there is free camping up in the canyon but you just have to put a little time in to find it (and it would help to have a vehicle with a little more clearance than the dodge neon, though only real hard ass pimps off road the dodge neon). So, after all this awesome climbing in Wyoming, we were like WHOAAAA we are having WAY too much fun in AWESOME PLACES, we need to go somewhere SHITTY to balance out all this karma85. So we decided to head to our NATION’S GEMS97th e NATIONAL PARKS. That’s right. We were on our way to Yellowstone National Park. Now, if I had to choose between a magma enema and another day in Yellowstone, I’d probably chose Yellowstone, but that’s only because I’m pre tty sure magma up the poop shoot would kill me. Yellowstone was CRAWLING with six-flag quality tourists with an average IQ of 4 and a propensity to d rive RV’s double the size of our apartment (IS RASCALL FLATT’S IN TOWN!!!?! ?!?!), and regardless of the signs, a desire to shit on the wildlife and leave litter everywhere. We spent a day looking at all the geysers and the sulfur springs, and got some decent pictures, and if you go to Yellowstone, we recommend that’s all you do too. We had originally intended on doing so me backpacking, but since the snow was so late this year the snow level was still too high in the back country to do anything, so if you ever intend o n making a trip there do your due-diligence and check that kind of thing out first (the kind of due diligence we/Kevin sucks at). WE also spent a little time in the Jackson Hole/Teton area. Plain and simple, the Tetons are a GORGEOUS mountain range. Definitely worth a few pictures. The climbing t here would be awesome if you were competent and had a rack (or two). Kevin and I were short on both of those things, and opted for a day of sport climbing outside of Jackson Hole. If you like the most sand-bagged, slick, awkward, FUCK FACE climbing EVER (ie Kevin nearly had to bail on a 10C, which Kevin claims “had three V7 to V8 cruxes in a row” hahahah someone forgot h is WHEATIES that morning!), head to BLACKTAIL BUTTRESS outside of Jackson H ole, and on your way pick up a high gauge shot gun to BLOW YOUR OWN FACE OF F and SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE. However, if you want to climb in the most scenic place in the world, head there. Oh, and if you want to get in a buffalo traffic jam, head that way as well. Kevin and I nearly spent 4 hrs total in traffic at a dead stop due to buffalo on the road. From the nation al parks we headed to Maple Canyon, UT. The conglomerate rock there is INS ANE, but very fun and awesome. The type of rock makes the most simple beta fairly cryptic, and turns what seems to be giant jugs into shitty slopers. Still very fun!! Let us just say that, the people in Maple Canyon SEND HA RD- REALLY HARD. While there I totally developed like 5 massive crushes on girls that could crush 13.a like it was a CAKE WALK. Needless to say, Kev in and I felt like massive HARD ASSES next to all these people as Kevin worked his way up some 12s and I clung to the top rope. On that note, if you are ever in Maple Canyon and want to get spanked like a toddler, head to Pipe Dream, a sick cave with the longest overhanging 13s and 14s you will eve r see in your life. Joe Kinder spent a lot of time developing the area (BT W KEVIN AND I MET HIM IN TENSLEEP! WE ARE SO CONNECTED!! WE ARE LIKE THE M OTHER FUCKING BEYONCE AND JZ OF THE CLIMBING WORLD!!!). If you are concern ed, the camping there is very dusty, and you will leave looking like that dirty kid from Charlie brown after only a night. Oh, and I did my first multi-pitch route, which proved to be very fun and scenic (maybe not so much f or Kevin who led all the pitches which were HEINOUSLY RUN OUT and CHOSSY) but I had a good time on top rope! After Maple Canyon we headed across Neva da to California to Yosemite National Park. Here we decided to take a brea k from climbing and do some back country stuff. Let me just say that if yo u ever hear the word “hatch” or “swarm” in reference to the place you are going to hike through, just turn the fuck around. Those are NOT GOOD WORDS. Kevin and I back packed on the scenic john muir trail in Yosemite. Sadly , the scenery was blotted out (AS WAS THE SUN) by the recent “hatch” of mosquitos which “swarmed” the sky. It felt like a biblical plague. We hiked in the 98 degree heat in full pants, long sleeves, rain jackets, hoods, two bandanas over our faces, and we practically BATHED in deet and still came out with hundreds of mosquito bites. Our spirits were low, so we headed out of the backcountry early to spend a day on the Yosemite Valley Floor, wit h again, some of the finest people you will ever meet. The general consensus on the valley floor was the wild life is okay, as long as viewed from yo ur car, and as long as you were never more than 500 ft. from a star bucks o r a taco place, and as long as you could pay $20 for that taco. Kevin and I had found our kindred spirits. We also spent a day in Yosemite doing the cable route up Half Dome (sadly not a climbing route due to lack of time and gear) and the view was incredible from the top. Oh btw, Kevin and I wan t to give Julien MAD PROPS for climbing the nose of el cap (Nice job julien !!!). El Cap looked like a beast! After that Kevin’s friend Colby (a guide in yosemite) picked us up and saved our lives. We crashed at Colby and Laura’s place for two days in a town called Oak Hurst, which is a very cool area of CA. Please check it out if you ever get a chance. From there we headed to INYO national forest to do a five day backpacking trip to a giant glacier (which Kevin Climbed!!!) and camped on a rock island in the middle of the glacier. If you ever get a chance to actually drink fresh glacier water, it is some of the best water in the world! Inyo is gorgeous and if you love wild flowers and flowing streams and glacial lakes and towering peaks , head that way and if you don’t fuck yourself. FROM CA we headed out for 4 days of debauchery and drunkenness in VEGAS BABY!!! Word of advice, when in vegas, do NOT consume a “yard of margh”. It leads to bad things. For the record, Kevin sucks at roulette (-$100) and Chrissy ROCKS at roulette ( +$75). Oh and if you want naked titted girls on playing cards, vegas is the place to be. And I know In-N-Out burger is already a part of climbing club lore, but I would like to re-emphasize it’s AWESOMENESS and when in Vega s it would be a sin to not go there. Anyways, now we’re headed home to fin d a place in Fort Collins, CO (with a stop in rifle), and we are BEGGING fo r people to come visit us. We miss all of our UIUC Climbing Club buddies. As an extra incentive (as if Kevin and I aren’t enough!), out west they sell this AWESOME version on Arizona tea, called peace tea, and it’s 99 cents and has no high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors, or preservatives ( very climbing club-esque) and I’ll buy whoever visits their first tea! Kai, this trip report was for you. If you want to see pictures from the trip, I’ll post them on my facebook soon, and if you want to pants shitty hilarious videos, I’ll post those too. The videos include buffalo traffic jams, m e having a total rage freak out in Tonopah Nevada, drinking yards of margh in vegas (before and after), and frolicking in the tuolumne meadow in Yosemite, and being trapped in the tent with a swarm of 10,000,000 mosquitos out side! Gotta go groove to some Shaggy as Kevin and I head to rifle, CO to s pend the night. Ps special shout out to face. I miss you too.